


Home, But It Doesn’t Really Feel Like Home

by nadatelfanacc



Category: Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Gen, Healing, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, ralph needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22181791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadatelfanacc/pseuds/nadatelfanacc
Summary: Ralph comes back from the island. Physically, he’s fine but he left the island with a gaping hole in his chest and constant heartache that can’t seem to go away.
Relationships: Jack Merridew & Ralph, Piggy & Ralph (Lord of the Flies), Ralph & Samneric (Lord of the Flies), Ralph & Simon (Lord of the Flies)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Home, But It Doesn’t Really Feel Like Home

Ralph was so exhausted.

He sat alone, on the cold, hard, concrete floor. Away from the twins, who were chatting awkwardly together in the room behind him. 

The twins weren’t really a problem. He just wanted away from Roger and away from Jack especially.

The other boys were in various rooms around the ship. Some were in the bathroom, trying to clean up and others were in the cafeteria eating their first real meal in...Ralph didn’t even know how long.

But him, he couldn’t. The very presence of the other children seemed suffocating. 

And so he rested on the ground, his back against the wall and his knees drawn up. 

As first order of business, the wound on his side from Jack’s spear had been cleaned and dressed, though the purple bruises from their fight still remained. It served as an ugly reminder of what happened.

He was exhausted.

Psychically, of course. He’d been in a fight, stabbed and had to run across the whole damn island to keep himself away from Jack and his hunters.

He hurt all over, yes. 

But it didn’t matter. It couldn’t be compared to the aching feeling that he felt in his chest.

His heart hurt, a whole lot. More than anything else on his aching body.

Months ago, (He couldn’t specify.) he would’ve expected his first heartbreak to come from a relationship gone sour. 

Oh how he wished that were the case.

He held Piggy’s glasses in one hand, and with the other absentmindedly traced the cracks on the left glass gingerly. The cracks that came from Jack’s punch. 

Ralph had snagged them back from the redhead while they were boarding. The fair haired boy had seen a glint of light come from Jack’s waistband and caught sight of his friend’s glasses, loosely hanging from his side.

It angered him greatly. 

He didn’t hesitate in shoving Maurice violently to the side in order to reach Jack. And he completely ignored the sailor ordering him to stand down. 

And when he grabbed back the glasses back, Jack shot him a dirty look, but didn’t do much more.

It wasn’t like he needed them anymore anyways. 

And when they all boarded, he sat himself away from everyone. Being around another person from that damn island any longer would’ve made him go insane.

He stared those glasses for a while. He stared hard, focused in on them as if something would happen. 

And slowly but surely, memories started to seep in.

Memories of a friend he never even knew the name of.

Memories of his encouragements, his advice and of all the times that he sticked by his side. 

Of how he never seemed to be able to get rid of him despite brushing him off so many times in the beginning. 

Ralph felt so guilty about it now.

And the time when his dear friend needed him to most and begged him to not leave him alone.

Ralph told him to wait. He’d be back for him for sure.

Except he didn’t.

He didn’t even have the chance to come back. Before....

The fair haired boy didn’t even notice that he was crying. Not until he noticed a few drops of water splashing onto the glass lens. 

And tears turned to violent sobs that wracked his whole body as reality sunk in.

“They’re both not coming home and it’s all your fault.”

He was so exhausted and angry and sad and felt every single emotion in the book as he stood up and pounded the wall angrily with tears streaming down his reddened face.

“FUCK!” he shouted, punching the hard wall. Blood seeped from his knuckles, but he couldn’t care less. 

“You killed him, you useless asshole. You ripped him apart.” a harsh voice that sounded like his echoed in his head. 

“GOD FUCKING DAMMNIT!” he resorted to kicking when his hands started to hurt.

“You’re no chief.” This time, it was in the sickly voice of Jack Merridew. 

It only made everything hurt even more. 

The thundering sounds of his stomping and incoherent screaming bounced and echoed all over the walls. Ralph could’ve sworn that he saw a littlun pass by from the corner of his eye and shoot him a frightened look before moving along, pretending to ignore him.

He probably seemed insane, but he didn’t really care.

He screamed out all of his pent up anger and frustration before his yelling died down to whimpers.

“God fucking damnit...” he whined as he slid back down to the floor, feeling nothing but crushing defeat.

“I-I’m,” he sniveled. He didn’t have a mirror, but he could feel that his eyes were strained and probably bloodshot from crying.

“I’m so sorry.” he drew up his knees, dug his head into his legs and weeped till he could no more. 

-

Ralph didn’t know how long he sobbed. All he knew that he’d successfully let out of all of his pent up feelings and wailed until all of his tears ran out. 

He cried so much that he felt like he was going to be sick. 

Well, at least any impulse he had to scream and cry and punch the wall from anger and grief was all gone. 

What was left was a gaping void in his chest and a dull ache coming from where his heart should be. 

He was sunk into the floor, having no energy to get up and even less to approach the others. 

Didn’t matter however, as the others approached him first.

Samneric. His eyes caught sight of their legs before moving up to their face. 

A look of concern washed over both of them. Fair enough. Ralph probably looked like an absolute mess right now. From the dried blood on his knuckles to his bloodshot eyes that made it obvious that he’d been crying. 

The fair haired boy wiped his nose.

“What do you guys want?” he muttered. There was an edge that hung over his voice.

“Well,” Eric started. “We saw you outside here-“

“All on your own!” Sam continued. “We figured you wanted some company?”

Ralph waved them off. He wasn’t in the mood.

“I’m okay. Thanks though.”

Samneric glanced at each other and looked back down at Ralph and nodded. Eric breathed out loudly through his nostrils. 

“Okay,” Eric said. “We got you some food though,” 

“-since you weren’t in the cafeteria.” finished Sam.

Ralph perked his head up attentively after hearing the word “food”. He hadn’t even noticed how famished he was until the twins had brought it up.

Sam smiled, nodded and held out a piece of food to hand over to the fair haired boy. Ralph was about to snatch it out of his hands until the smell of it hit his noise.

Meat.

Steaming, hot, freshly cooked meat.

Instantly, feelings of hunger were gone and replaced by nausea that bubbled bitterly in his stomach. He grimaced.

“I-“ he started before covering his nose. He couldn’t take the smell anymore and he didn’t know why.

“I’m fine.” Ralph whimpered out. He felt like he was going to vomit if they didn’t get that damn meat away from him.

Eric raised a brow. 

“A-are you sure-?”

“YES.” Ralph raised his voice. 

He needed to get that fucking piece of meat away from him or else he was going to be sick.

“Okay, okay, okay-“ Eric waved his hands. “We’ll....” 

The brothers looked at each other, shifting uncomfortably. 

“See you around, mate.” Sam finished. 

They were gone in a few seconds and Ralph finally unplugged his nose. 

He looked around.

Alone once again.

The yellow haired boy breathed out a sigh of relief. 

He was so goddamn tired.

It wasn’t like where he was sitting was comfortable either. Ralph couldn’t count how many times on the island where he wished for a bed or at least a spare blanket. Leaves were hardly anything, especially on colder nights.

But it would do. He needed rest from, well, everything.

His eyes began to feel heavy and he didn’t fight it as they began to droop.

-

When he eventually got home after a long, long ride on the ship, he completely crashed into his bed and slept the whole day. 

He was relieved to finally be back in a real house again instead of a badly made shelter that was haphazardly done from branches and palm leaves.

When he groggily woke up hours and came into his living room to finally eat after a lot of nagging from his mother, he noticed that she had the TV turned onto the news. 

Ralph had walked behind the couch with a piece of bread hanging from his mouth, staring at whatever the news reporter said attentively. 

He wanted so badly to look away, but he couldn’t. He felt his heard pound more and more and harder and harder as the reporter kept blabbering on.

The headline read: “MISSING PLANE PASSENGERS OF FLIGHT EQ4937 FOUND ON UNINHABITED ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC.”

It was about them.

Ralph sucked in a breath in anticipation.

And it seemed like his mom felt the same way. 

She was sitting on the very edge of her seat, obviously paying very close attention to the TV. 

“All survivors consisted of young boys ranging from 6 at the youngest to 13 at the oldest. No adults survived the crash.” 

Ralph couldn’t move. So he stood there, staring at the television, not even bothering to blink his eyes. He held his breath. 

There was a deadly silence that hung over him and his mother. 

“3, however, did not make it off the island.”

Ralph’s mother was covering her mouth with her hands. 

The TV broadcasted pictures of them. The boy with the mulberry birthmark on his face, Simon and-

No, that wasn’t his name.

He hated that name.

“Among the deceased were Oliver Morris, 7 years old-“ 

Ralph’s heart beat faster as he wasn’t nearly prepared enough to hear the rest.

“Simon Anthony, 11 years old-“ 

A choked gasp came from Ralph as he struggled to breath. It felt like a weight had fallen on his chest. His mother had snapped out of her frozen trance and turned her head back at him, noticing his struggle. She fumbled for the remote.

“And Peter Raymond, 12 years old.”

That did it for Ralph. 

Once the TV was shut up, his mother heard something slump to the floor. 

It was her boy.

And he was on his knees, head cradled in his hands and toast long forgotten on the floor. 

“His name was Peter.” he whimpered. “His name was Peter.” No tears came out, but he shook vehemently. 

His mother rushed over to his side, but when she tried to hug him, he flinched away violently from the touch.

“I killed him.”

“His name was Peter.”

His mother couldn’t understand.

“Ralph?” she spoke urgently. “What are you talking about? You didn’t kill anyone!”

Her boy couldn’t hear her, for the pounding of own his head drowned out the sounds of his mum’s voice. 

“His name was Peter.”

“I killed him.”

He sounded like a broken record as he rocked to and fro.

There was a gaping hole in his chest, a deep void that would take a miracle to fill again.

And once more again came the dull ache that pulsed from where his heart should’ve been. 

-

His family was overjoyed at the news of his return. It was annoying.

It wasn’t like he’d returned as the same boy he was before. 

But it’s not like they knew that.

He was greeted warmly from all of his uncles and aunts and cousins. First they had a big lunch, thankfully with no meat.

Ralph’s mother had warned them beforehand that Ralph absolutely refused any meat for whatever reason.

He ate contently, listening to his cousins talk without adding to the conversation.

He was fine.

Until he wasn’t.

He noticed that the the voices started getting louder.

And the heat from the crowd, (he had a big family!) just kept getting warmer and warmer and suffocatingly hotter. 

And even though he tried, before he knew it, he was back on that fucking island.

Back at Jack’s stupid feast.

Where-

“Kill the beast, cut his throat, spill his blood!”

Demonic chants interrupted his thoughts.

“Kill the beast, cut his throat, spill his blood! Kill the beast, cut his throat, spill his blood! Kill the beast, cut his throat, spill his blood! Kill the beast, cut his throat, spill his blood!-“

Ralph covered his ears, trying to muffle the sounds of that goddamn chant. 

He was no longer in the living room, but back on the goddamn island.

His relatives began to notice that something was wrong and heads turned to look at him in alarm.

Ralph didn’t notice.

All he could hear next was a feeble voice crying out about a dead body on the hill and afterwords, terrified screaming.

Ralph was frozen in his spot. He could do nothing as Simon died all over again. 

“Ralph? Ralph!” his Aunt Miriam shook him back to reality. The fair haired boy’s face was pale. 

“Are you alright?!” she asked alarmingly. Ralph nodded vehemently, muttering a “Ihavetogo.”, before he exited his grandmother’s dining room. He ignored the murmurs that came from his aunts and uncles. 

He moved away from the crowd as far as possible and settled down outside in the backyard, where the only noises were the sounds of singing birds and the occasional siren in the distance. 

He paced himself and breathed in and out, in and out until his respiration finally came to a normal rate.

He didn’t want to go back in.

Not with all those people. 

He leaned back and relaxed against the garden wall, soaking up his much needed peace and quiet as he watched a lizard climb around grass. 

Looking for food he guessed. 

Well he had peace and quiet for a while, until he heard the sound of soft footsteps approach him in the grass. He looked up.

There stood his little cousin. Barefoot and in overalls. 

“Ralphie?”

Oh. He forgot he had that stupid childish nickname amongst the littlu- his little cousins.

“Yeah?” he responded back haphazardly.

“Are you okay?”

His cousin flashed him a look that was just so soft and sympathetic. The look was almost familiar.

Ralph huffed irritatedly.

“Yeah.” he really wasn’t okay but he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

The little boy fiddled with his hands shyly, looking down at his older cousin with bright, green eyes.

“Really? Because you were acting all weird...”

“I said I’m fine.” Ralph gruffed. “It just got a little crowded.

His cousin flashed him a small smile.

“I’m sure you’ll be alright, you’re cool like that.”

The little boy looked at Ralph with eyes that told him that he really believed in the older boy. The gaze of pure admiration. Almost like- 

“You’ll get back alright” a familar, soft voice that wasn’t his echoed in his head. 

Ralph smiled involuntary.

It was the first time in a while where he could think about Simon without breaking down. 

It shocked Ralph slightly to say the least.

“Yeah.” he muttered dreamily. “Thanks, Simon.”

His little cousin tilted his head, confused.

“Simon? My name is Stanely! Don’t tell me you forgot my name!”

Ralph snapped back to reality.

“O-oh yeah. Sorry, I didn’t forget. I’m just bad with names.”

Sorry, you just remind me so much of him, Ralph thought to himself.

“It’s okay.” his cousin muttered. He sounded so forgiving. 

A women’s voice called from the house. Stanely looked back at the house and back at Ralph. 

“Sorry, my mummy’s calling.” Ralph nodded. “I gotta go-“ he muttered, before running back inside, leaving the older boy alone to his thoughts.

There was still a gaping void in his chest where his heart should be. At least this time it didn’t ache quite as much, even with memories of the bright eyed boy who always looked at Ralph with pure admiration flooding in. They were happy ones at least. 

-

Days passed on like a blur. It was the nights that got to Ralph however. Most of them or either riddled with nightmares or sleepless in general.

Sometimes he’d wake up, and he’s be back on that fucking island. 

That was the lesser of many evils however. The worst recurring terrors were things like hearing Simon’s bloodcurdling screams once more or Piggy’s bloodied body rising from the murky waters. 

Those were awful and had him on the verge of crying when he awoke from them. 

Ralph expected another sleepless night as usual, or if he was really lucky, a night of terror. 

He shortly slipped into slumber, he had a long day after all. 

And when he opened his eyes, he was back on the island.

“Here we fucking go again.” he grumbled to himself.

This time was different however.

The sun shined nicely on his skin and the sand was smooth. The fair haired boy looked around. No sight of Jack or his hunters. He sighed, mentally preparing himself for whatever terrifying shit this dream was going to throw at him. 

He got up and started to walk along the beach.

It took a little bit of walking until he could make out a blurry, round figure in the distance. His legs moved faster, as he had a hunch of who it may be.

Piggy turned to Ralph who quickly rushed on over to him and shot him an almost sad smile.

The yellow haired boy couldn’t believe it.

There Piggy was, sitting in the sand right in front of him. 

Except this couldn’t be a nightmare.

The plump boy’s head wasn’t cracked open, his body wasn’t covered in blood and even both of his glass lens were intact. It was if he was completely brand new.

“H-hi..” Ralph managed to mutter out. Piggy nodded and patted on the sand next to him, coaxing the fair haired boy to sit down with him. He obeyed without a word or complaint.

Ralph turned to him with wide eyes.

“Pi-“ he stopped himself. “Peter?”

Piggy raised a brow and smiled.

“So you do know my name now?” he chuckled.

Ralph’s mouth was still wide open. Piggy giggled. 

“C’mon Ralph, say something or you might catch flies in that mouth of yours.” 

Ralph closed his mouth obediently and gulped. The two stared at each other for what felt like forever.

“Um. Ralph-“ Piggy was interrupted by a body barreling into him, embracing him as if he was saying goodbye forever. (And he was.) 

The fat boy stumbled back, huffing as Ralph landed on top of him.

“Ralph! You’re heavy!” He laughed out loud.

“Shut up,” Ralph snapped. “You’re not real. You can’t be.” 

Piggy patted his friends back. “You’re right. I’m not.”

Silence followed as Ralph held onto the friend who he never got the chance to say goodbye to. 

Piggy returned the hug. And they stayed like that for a while 

Eventually, Ralph reluctantly let go and they sat up and shook the sand out of their hair together. They looked at each other and giggled before silence once again fell over them.

I’m sorry.” Ralph muttered out wetly as they listened to the soft sounds of the ocean. “I let you-“

He turned to Piggy who in response, turned to face him.

Piggy shook his head.

“You didn’t. It’s okay.” 

Ralph knew that the Piggy in front of his wasn’t real. It was just a product of his consciousness trying to ease his mind by telling him what he wanted to hear. Ralph’s face softened.

“Alright then.” he sounded like he was defeated.

A comfortable blanket of silence fell on top of them as they idly watched the waves together, Ralph enjoying every single moment because he knew that this was going to end soon. Piggy turned to the blonde boy and smiled.

“Don’t wanna sound like a cheesy old lady but-“ Piggy began. “I’m with you, you can be sure of that.” 

Ralph looked over and tilted his head.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know how dying people say stuff in movies like ‘I may be gone but I’ll always be here-‘“ Piggy pointed to his chest. “I’m trying to say that, in a less uncool way of course.”

Ralph laughed out loud and smiled. Behind his grin swam his bittersweet emotions, emotion of relief and happiness that he’d finally gotten his chance to say goodbye and grief and sadness that he ever had to in the first place. He shook his head.

“You should’ve been able come home. You didn’t-“ Ralph choked. He couldn’t finish the sentence.

Piggy shook his head as Ralph started to wipe away at wetness that formed in his eyes. 

They said nothing more afterwords.

Ralph felt like he was staring at the horizon forever. And once he looked back next to him, Piggy was long gone. The yellow haired boy looked around alarmed but his friend was nowhere to be found.

He sighed and couldn’t help the salty tear that slipped from his eye. Maybe it was for the best that he disappeared so suddenly.

Ralph woke up. Not shot up bed like he did when he had nightmares, but awoke peacefully. Morning light seeped through the blinds from his window. He caught scent of his mother cooking breakfast downstairs. 

He turned over on his back and looked up at the ceiling and stared hard for a while,  
pondering over his unusual dream. 

He sat up in his bed, looking over at the broken pair of glasses that glinted in the morning sunlight.

Ralph’s lips turned upward and he smiled a wobbly grin as he gazed at the glasses with affection.

“Thank you.” he muttered wetly. “Thank you...” 

His chest didn’t ache anymore for the first time in a long while.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I cry while writing this? Yes


End file.
